I have found my people!

Hey. It's been a while since my last post. I apologize for that, but with the new semester starting up I've been a bit busy, getting supplies and stuff. But I'm here now! So let's get to it.

As you know from my last blog post, I am a genderqueer/gender-fluid person. I still have to work through what label feels best for me, but on the whole it can be agreed that I am not a girl...most of the time. And those feelings of being in some way wrong have isolated me for what I now realize is a large portion of my life. Of course, my friends are all supportive, and my family trying their best to understand what it means.

But no matter how hard they try or how much they want to understand, they can't. Not my friends, not my family, hell, not even Analyssa. They can't understand because this is something they will never have to go through. They will never have to be afraid of going to their preferred restroom. They will never have to experience people intentionally referring to them by the wrong gender. They won't have to worry about being safe when binding or fearing that their parents will hide their binders (which is a legitimate fear, my mother does my laundry and she's had the hardest time coming to terms with my gender.) They will sympathize, but they will not understand. Not like someone in the trans community can.

I count myself blessed to be at a university that has a trans group. They call themselves the Gender Diverse Aggies, and they are a group dedicated to raising awareness of trans issues and offering support to anyone who falls under the trans flag. I first became aware of this group last semester, but their meetings were every week at 9 in the morning, and I just couldn't find the will to get up that early since my classes were in the afternoon. So, I went to a few meetings here and there before stopping altogether. As such I met only 3 individuals who were trans.

That changed today.

There was a GDA meeting at 4:00, and I went because it was in the afternoon and I wanted to be a part of the group again. Lo and behold, there were 8 people at the meeting today. It may not seem like a lot, but for me it was. They were all so nice and friendly, and I felt welcomed. It felt like a place I could call home. These people, they understand me. They know the pain, the confusion, the hate, and lived to see a brighter day. It's so inspiring, and it filled me with hope because these were potential friends that would understand my struggles and support me through them. These people can become my safe place when life gets to be too much.

And maybe I'm placing too much faith into them. After all, it's not group therapy. They don't meet to hash out personal issues. But maybe I can find real friends there, people who will understand when I complain about my binder being itchy and hard to get off. Maybe I'll find people who will agree with my desire for gender neutral bathrooms. Maybe I'll find people who will know my fear of coming out.

 Maybe I won't feel so alone anymore.

I have hope.

Lets talk

So, today I thought I would write about something that affects me daily: dysphoria.

As a trans* person, I often find that I experience dysphoria in regards to my chest, my period, and my voice. I may not be a trans-man, but I do fall under the trans flag because I do not feel female often enough to own the label "woman" despite being assigned female at birth. I'm still in the process of figuring out what exactly I am, but I have the rest of my life to develop my identity. At the moment I am swinging between genderqueer and gender-fluid, but I am considering the term non-binary.

Anywho, that tangent was besides the point. I'm here to talk about the things about my body that can tear me down. One thing is my chest. I may only have A cups, but they are large enough that wearing a well-fitted shirt leads others to assume that I am female. Of course, half of the time I don't mind, but the other half, hearing people call me "she" and "miss" hurts. I know that it shouldn't, that I should be confident enough in my own identity, but hearing those words reminds me of the words my mom has told me as I've been exploring my gender: "You have what you have! God gave you boobs!" or "God made you a girl!"

And it hurts. It hurts to be reminded that I am not right.

Anyway, despite all the comments my mother makes, I have purchased a chest binder so that my chest is flatter when I wear it. The binder has really helped me out, and it's a safe way to flatten my chest without injuring myself.  So, coupled with my haircut, my flat chest allows me to walk around outside and have people call me "sir" and "man" and "he." And God, does it feel great.

Now, on to my period. That week is the worst. And I know what I go through is mild compared to other people who have a uterus, but it's just another reminder that I am a "girl." In fact, it's the ultimate reminder that I am biologically female. I feel uncomfortable, and I have to wear panties in place of my usual boxers, and it is just an overall unpleasant experience that I have learned to deal with. I don't like it, but I'm the only one that knows what goes on in my pants, so I will deal with it for as long as I have to.

My voice is the only thing about me that I still feel a lot of dysphoria about. My chest and my period I can get around, because I have found solutions and ways of thinking to combat the dysphoria. But my voice is the one thing I can't really change without hormones. While my voice is lower than most of my female friends, it is still high enough that people who first address me as "sir" will correct themselves upon hearing me speak. This always leaves me feeling disappointed and discouraged, which can lead to darker thoughts. I have an example.

Recently I went to Savers to find an interesting tie, and this woman - who was with her young son - asked me if I knew where a certain section was. I blurted out an awkward "I don't work here!" and the woman gave me a look and then walked away. As she passed me by, her son looked at me and told his mom "He looks like a boy but sounds like a girl." His words felt like a rock on my chest, and I went to the dressing room to compose myself. I didn't cry or anything, but I had to calm myself down because all those dark feelings were bubbling up. I know that my reaction was an overreaction, but it reminded me that my voice will never get deeper without the help of hormones. The only time the opposite of this happened was when I had to call my cell provider to work out an issue with my phone. The guy on the phone called me sir until he pulled up my information and then apologized. Even though he corrected himself, I was ecstatic because it was the first time that had happened, and it made me happy.

 There are only three people who know that I feel these things, and only one of them knows everything. But now I suppose whoever reads this knows too. I didn't want to get too much into the actual feelings so much as the cause of them, because those feelings are dark and I can't shake them when I write about them. And, seeing as how it's getting late as I write this, I wouldn't have emotional support, and I don't want to go to bed thinking all those awful things. So, that may be a post for another day. Or maybe it won't. I haven't decided if I want to share them with the internet, even if only like two people still read this blog.

So, that was me, talking about myself like the little weirdo I am. 

My Life: Chapter 19 - College

So, I know it's kinda late to be writing this, considering how far into the semester we are, but I figured, why not?

College has been interesting thus far. I've made some friends, my classes have been manageable, and I've even had some semblance of a social life. All pluses, in my opinion. But it's also had its downsides. I feel isolated here. Yeah, I participate in activities and I do things around campus, but I'm away from my family and my best friend. I don't know how to connect with people on a meaningful level. Usually I put my mask on when I walk out of the door and leave it there until I'm either back in the safety of my dorm room or at home. The days just blur into each other, and I can't find the will to stop and just take everything in. It's too hard to anchor myself in the constant stream of day-to-day life, but I need to. My sanity depends on it.

Wow. That was some heavy stuff right there. I'm sorry about that. I guess I was holding it in longer than I thought, and it came rushing out as soon as my fingers hit the keys. So, to lighten the mood, let me tell you about all of the cool things I've been doing. Most recently, Analyssa and I worked at this food drive event called The Haunted Howl. Basically, you bring a can of food to donate and go around to a bunch of booths and play games to get candy and other such treats. It was really cool, except that our booth didn't have a game for the kids to play. So, we just handed out candy (lame, I know, but if I was a kid I would have loved it. No fuss, just candy.) Anyway, that was fun, especially because we got to hang out with some cool girls from our Exito class.

to be continued...

Friendship and other things that confuse me

I've always struggled with being honest. That isn't to say every sentence out of my mouth is a lie; rather, I find it hard to be honest about myself. Usually I just go with the flow, staying silent and in the background. I don't open up, despite my easy-going appearance. I mean, it's kinda hard for me to do so. For most of my life I was always with my sister when I was with friends. Her personality outshines my own, dominating the conversation. And for the longest time, I was fine with that. I don't like talking, especially about me. For goodness sake, the hardest essay I ever had to write was my personal statement! I don't know how to talk about myself because for the most part I've never had to and I never wanted to. Now though, I'm beginning to think differently.

I find myself constantly doubting my friendships, believing that the only reason they are even friends with me is because of Analyssa. On really bad days I compare myself to her. I think about how she is a much better friend than I ever could be, how all of our friends always go to her for serious discussions or just fun conversations, never me. I think about how all of my friends aren't really my friends, just her friends that tolerate me. I think about all of her friends that aren't my friends, and how I don't have any friends that are just mine. I want to break free, to find my own friends, to be who I really am. But I'm terrified that, in doing so, I will lose the friends that I currently have.

I don't know. I'm insecure. I know I shouldn't be. I know that I have people who love me. I know that I have people who accept me. But I've never shown them who I really am. I'm not this kind, sweet, smart person that they think I am. I'm snarky. I say things before thinking about them, often insulting whoever I'm talking about. I have a morbid sense of humor, I hate a lot of people, and I say things at inappropriate times. I can be a bitch one moment and a sweetheart the next. I'm complicated and messy and opinionated and shallow. I'm smart and curious and clueless and boring. I'm so many things that people don't see because I never gave them the chance to see. But maybe that can change. Maybe I can be a little more open with people. Or maybe I'll be lonely for a while until someone sees me. Who knows.

Writing Prompt

It shouldn't be like this. There has to be another way...

"What are you waiting for?"

No. I don't want this. I never wanted this...

"Answer me!"

I can't. I can't I can't I can't I-

"God dammit Charlie just do it! Prove me right! We both know how much you want to."

You're wrong...

"You can't run away from this forever. This lives inside you; it will always live inside you."

But -

"Do it."

...

Bang!
 _________________________________________________________________

"...white female. middle to late 20s, single shot to the head. Revolver still in hand. No obvious signs of struggle. Liver temp indicates she died approximately 5 hours ago. Apparent suicide is my official ruling." 

On the topic of friends

Having friends is weird. You're expected to listen to your friend's problems and expect them to listen to yours when the time comes. Hang outs are required, gossip is to be shared, and discussions are to be held (at least, they are in my group of friends.) But it all feels so foreign to me. I don't mind listening to my friends' problems; in fact, I love listening to my friends and giving them advice. I'm just a listener though. If my friend doesn't have anything to say then chances are an awkward silence is sure to follow. I just don't feel the need to fill the void. Some of my friends share my sentiments; others do not. There are a few who need the silence to be filled, who need background noise all the time. I'm not used to that.

I'm not the kind of person who shares my feelings. I may seem open, but often I put on an act. I like keeping my thoughts and feelings inside, because why bother expressing them? Nobody is going to listen, not really. They hear the words but very few process them. The only person I can honestly talk to is myself. I can talk to my twin sister, but I don't show her everything. I have yet to be completely honest about myself with any of my friends. I just don't see the point. They don't need to deal with my neurotic crap or my emotional baggage, so why should I show them? That has always been my line of thinking.

Now I face a dilemma of sorts. I want a closer relationship with one of my friends, one who I consider my best friend. And no, I don't want to pursue a romantic relationship with her. I just want to see if I mean as much to her as she means to me. But I don't know how to get that conversation started. I've never felt enough for her. I know that I can trust her with my secrets, but secrets are different than feelings. It's like pulling teeth trying to get me to really open up, and it's hard to determine if she's ever really tried or if I was just so desperate for someone to see me that I gave myself over to her. I've never clicked with someone as well as I did with her. We think on the same wavelength and are both romantic souls. We have enough differences that we always have something to discuss. Like I said, I consider her my best friend.

This post went all over the place, but the point that I set out to make was that I don't feel comfortable sharing myself with anyone, but I want to try for my best friend. I just have no idea how to do that. It's hard to overcome the notion that your feelings and opinions don't matter. And even if I could somehow be comfortable with people knowing things about me, how would I even start? I'm so confused right now and unsure of how to proceed. All I know is that, for the first time, I want to try to be open. I want to be honest. Let's see how this works out, shall we?

Tired

I feel stuck. It's summer and I have been busy for most of it, but I feel like I can't move. I have no idea where I'm going, but it doesn't matter because I can't get there anyway. I don't know why I feel like this. I mean, really, change is happening all around me. I just graduated, I'll start college this fall, and I'm working this summer. And yet, I can't help feeling like I'm just going through the motions, seeing what's happening in my life but not really experiencing it. 

I've felt like this since senior year started. Days blur together because everyday is the same. Time is passing me by but I can't even begin to make myself care. I'm terrified of my future, that I'm gonna mess it up and fail and screw myself over. I always screw everything up, why should this be any different? 

I'm sorry for this angsty post, I'm usually more collected than this, but I start college in less than a month. I suppose I'm just freaking out. Anywho, have a good weekend!

Drawing to a close

Man, this is the most I've written for this blog in like a year! Sorry about that =/ 

This week is drawing to a close, which means it's almost Friday! I'm so happy. There's a movie event tonight, so today is gonna be a long day. But it will all be worth it when the weekend comes!

There's no real reason for this post. I suppose I am focusing on quantity rather than quality. This is what happens when you feel pressured to actually use your blog!!! But I digress.

So yeah. Just wanted to say "hey."

National Pecan Pie Day

I don't even like pie, but I will celebrate National Pecan Pie Day regardless.

Anyway...

Summer is almost half way over, which means that I am that much closer to starting college. And I am absolutely terrified. I mean, this next semester will determine my future. It it's too much and I can't maintain my grades, I lose my scholarship and my GPA will be forever ruined. And I know that it's a bit extreme, but I can't help that my mind thinks of worst case scenarios. I know that people believe in me and in my abilities, but the fact doesn't comfort me. It just means that I have more people that I might disappoint.  But hey, it's still summer. I have another month and a half before I start the rest of my life. I suppose it won't be too bad if I postpone my nervous breakdown.

The middle school camps have started, so that's cool. The girls are really excited, and the general air of the room is positive. There's some work drama, but what job doesn't come with drama? I mostly ignore it, but it can be difficult. Other than that, nothing much is going on here. I want to code a Steven Universe bag, but I don't know if I'll have the time.

In other news, I got very good scores on my AP tests, so I'm basically starting college as a sophomore, which is pretty fantastic. It means that I can focus more on the classes that I really need for my potential major(s.) I'm still not sure if I want to major or minor in psychology. I need to figure out how dedicated I can be to the subject. Regardless, I will be majoring in computer science.

I keep on getting asked what I want to do with my CS degree. I feel bad that I don't have a specific answer, even though I have no reason to. I mean, there's soooooo much that I can do with CS. I don't want to limit myself or my interests. But at the same time, people don't have a positive view of those who appear to have no direction, and I've experience it first hand. Maybe I'm just projection my own feelings of inadequacy onto others. Oh well. Anyway, that's it for now.

I Got That Summertime Madness

Hehehe. I think my title is clever. ANYWAY....

It's been such a busy summer this year. I've been prepping for college, working at YWiC camps, and I just got back from volunteering for the Hispanic Scholarship Fund Youth Leadership Institute at UC Irvine. Whew, that was a mouthful! But it's an important event, focusing on giving Hispanic juniors in high school the knowledge and skills necessary to apply to college. My role wasn't as involved with the students as I would have liked, but it was still an important role.

I was a member of the Alumni Team, or A-Team. The A-Team was responsible for setting up and tearing down the rooms that the students were in. For instance, every morning we would have to set up an auditorium with banners and whatever would be needed that day, be it packets or business cards. It was a lot of work and even more walking. My days started promptly at 5:45 A.M. and ended at around 12:00 A.M. It was supposed to end at 11:30, but the A-Team was responsible for doing rounds in the dorms to make sure that the students were in bed and had their lights off.

A-Team!!!! (Minus one guy who was in the restroom...)

YLI was a lot of work, but for me it was very rewarding. I grew very close to the rest of the A-Team; I think I made some life-long friends. They became my familia for 5 days. I also gained experience in working with new people in a new environment. So all in all, it was fantastic and wonderful and a whole bunch of other positive adjectives, even if I missed most of the high school YWiC camps. Oh well. At least I'll be there for the entirety of the middle school camps.

I feel lost. I know, total subject change here. But it's true. I've just spent one of the best weeks of my life in California, and coming back has been hard. I never wanted my time there to end, but now it seems like it never happened. At the same time, being home feels foreign. They act like I've been here all along, but I have no clue what's going on. I don't know the campers as well as they do, and I don't feel like I belong in the room with the YWiC staff. I have no place - home is awkward and I don't have the option of going back to California any time soon. So I guess I can drift for a bit, just until things settle down. Who knows how long that will take though.

Ok, enough depressing thoughts. June is almost over, it went by so fast! I can't believe it. Has it really been a month since I graduated? It was funny - I came home thinking that I had to return to school. Then I realized that 1) school didn't start for another two months and 2) I wouldn't be going back to high school when it did start up. It thrilled me and terrified me in equal measures. But hey, this is what growing up is. You have to leave the familiar and tread into the unknown in order to learn and grow. I wish it wasn't as scary as it is, but I know that fear is a part of life. It's just a matter of how you react to that fear that determines what kind of person you will become.

So this post got a little derailed...oh well. I just needed to word vomit here, and I know hardly anyone actually reads this. For those who will read this, have a good weekend!

An Update Long Overdue

Dang, I kinda forgot that I even had this blog. No matter, I haven't completely forgotten! Now, let's see, what's happened since the summer....

Oh, well, senior year has been absolutely chaotic right from the get-go. But it was sneaky; I didn't realize how chaotic it really was until the end of the first nine weeks. I mean, I had to apply to schools, apply for scholarships, and then I had to fill out the application for this thing called Questbridge. THAT was super intense. And then it was a waiting game. In the meantime I didn't do much. My life revolved around school and food. But, as the name of this blog indicates, I didn't go without programming. Yeah, I'm in the AP Computer Science class at my school. But, I also got to participate in this cool after school programming thing hosted by YWiC. It was once a week and I got to see all my wonderful friends from YWiC and the YWiC staff. So that was the metaphorical "light" in my "dark" life of college applications.

So that takes us to winter break ish. Maybe. I'm not really sure, I tend to live in the moment, so I don't actually know when things took place... All I know is that I didn't get to hang out with my friends that much last semester and school sucked. But during winter break I got to recharge. We went to Phoenix to spend Christmas with my brother Rene and his daughter Amiyah. It was fun. My family, especially my mom, had been under a lot of stress before because her dad got sick, so being in Phoenix was good for her. We got to have fun and laugh and just enjoy being with each other. On the way home though, there was a ton of snow on the highway. We were going pretty slow, but Rene(who was driving ahead of us with my mom and Amiyah) spun out into the median. Luckily they weren't hurt, but we decided to spend the night in Deming to avoid dying. We got home, we relaxed, and then all of a sudden it was New Year's Day.


Update: Sorry, this post was supposed to be published after winter break. I guess I never hit publish. Sorry

I'm a Ravenclaw!

First off, let me just say how sorry I am that it's been a year since my last post. I don't know who reads this thing, but if you do, this past year has been too hectic to write blog posts. So, I'm sorry.

ANYWHO what is this blog if not about my life as a coder? For the first time in forever (heh, Frozen, sorry) I will not be a camper for the YWiC summer camps. *pauses for dramatic effect* BUT I will be a camp assistant for the entirety of June and possible 2 weeks in July. That part is still up in the air. But I'm excited. Thus far it's been good, with a few hiccups, but hey, it's only the third day. I'm not gonna stress about it.

So, in order to make things fun and interesting for us camp assistants, we made today Harry Potter day! Only, Analyssa and I were the only ones to go all out. That was sad, but we looked nice!

Look how adorable we look!

And, to top it all off, I actually wore a SKIRT. I absolutely hate skirts, so the fact that I wore one today was a pretty big deal. I don't know what else to put here, so I shall finish this post early. If I get inspiration later today, I may update, but it's very unlikely.

These are a few of my favorite things!

Hello, people of the world wide web! My apologies for my lack of posts, Life has kept me quite busy, what with a trip to LA, another camp, and only 3 days of vacation. Anywho, Analyssa and I have been asked to write 5 things about our wonderful instructors! I've decided that I'm going to write 5 awesome things that I like about them instead, as well as include some little tidbits about myself. On we go!

Jen:

• Awesome Thing #1 - Jen is always willing to help or give advice, even if it's silly or if I can figure it out myself. I love that she will almost literally drop things to help me. It makes me feel like I matter, and has helped me realize that it's ok to ask for help.
• Awesome Thing #2 - Jen has an awesome sense of humor. She may sound cocky or arrogant to those who don't know her, but she just always tries to make people laugh. I certainly appreciate it, and it helps me relax if I'm stressed.
• Awesome Thing #3 - I love how Jen can tease me. I secretly like having people mess with me, because it means on some level that they know me enough to know what I can take and what ticks me off. 
• Awesome Thing #4 - Another thing I love is how comfortable I am with Jen. I never feel awkward around her, and conversation can flow easily between us. 
• Awesome Thing #5 - I enjoy having debates with Jen, because she always has interesting points of view. 

Noor:

•  Awesome Thing #1 - Noor may be quiet, but she always knows what to say to make me feel comfortable with her. I never feel awkward around her (and I'm ALWAYS awkward.)
• Awesome Thing #2 - Noor is always  sweet to everyone she meets. I love how she tries to not be mean to anybody. 
• Awesome Thing #3 - If ever I need to calm down, talking to Noor really helps. Her calm energy and disposition puts me at ease, and stops me from feeling like I have to fight everything. 
• Awesome Thing #4 - I love how much Noor loves Harry Potter. It means that there's one more thing we have in common, and it's nice to know someone else who wants to get a Hogwarts letter. 
• Awesome Thing #5 - one thing that I love about Noor is that she's super modest. She doesn't like bragging, and that's a quality I find endearing, especially when she has a ton to brag about. 

SP:

• Awesome Thing #1 - This directly isn't about how I interact with her, but SP is one of the few people that Analyssa is completely comfortable with. I love it because I've seen Analyssa struggle with making friends and opening herself up to others. It makes me happy. 
• Awesome Thing #2 - I love that SP doesn't hide her feelings. If she feels a certain way about something, she'll let you know. It's refreshing, seeing as how I recently became distant with my friend (Ana's girlfriend) due to their breakup. It was all because she didn't talk to Ana. So having someone tell me how they feel and what th think about something is awesome. 
• Awesome Thing #3 - SP is always so peppy, even if she's had a bad day. Similar to Noor, she manages to make me laugh even if I'm too tired to sleep. 
• Awesome Thing #4 - I love how SP says "bag." It's hilarious. She says it like "beg" and I laugh so hard because it sounds so funny. 
• Awesome Thing #5 - I love that SP can tease and be teased. This is related to awesome thing #4 because I can laugh at her pronunciation and she doesn't get upset because she can tease me right back. 

Susi:

• Awesome Thing #1 - I love that Susi can be so smart and yet sometimes clueless at times. It's really adorable, especially when it's something really obvious. One less obvious instance was when we helped put together the NXT Lego robotics kits. Ana was playing music on her iPod, and Chandelier by Sia came on. Susi heard it and confidently said "I love Rihanna!" 
• Awesome Thing #2 - Susi is a through-and-through Latina. That being said, I love seeing her dance. It's really awesome, because she gets so into it. 
• Awesome Thing #3 - Susi is really funny. She has this sense if humor that seems mean but really isn't. It's ironic and sarcastic, and I love it. 

So, I don't really know Susi well enough to have 2 more things, but I can say that she's an awesome person who is happy go lucky. 

And now some things about me!!!

• One thing that I think is really important to know about me is that I am a twin. That may not seem like a big deal, or even noteworthy for that matter, but I mention it because being a twin is essential to my being. I am most comfortable with my sister, and if I had to choose between my sister and my best friend I'll choose my sister. Often people try to tell us to split up and be our own people, but I AM my own person. I'm just my own person with her. Some things are hers, some are mine, but we still share a lot.
•   Another thing that you should know about me is that I love to learn. I love looking at something and working through until I have my light bulb moment. It's like a game to me, and learning and mastering a skill makes me feel accomplished.
• I LOVE TO PROGRAM!!!! I've always loved math, and programming is like math. It's all about logic, and trial and error. I love testing my project to see it work. It may be frustrating at times, but finally figuring it out makes it all worth it.
• So, I'm not sure if I should put this. But I figure I might as well seeing as how this is a somewhat important part of me. Plus, Jen said I had to tell a secret. So here it goes. I have not started dating yet, but I've always known that I am attracted to girls. I have known for a while, but I only recently told my close friends and immediate family. I've found acceptance in most of those I told, which has really encouraged me to be comfortable in myself. I don't know who knows, but I figured I might as well put it here. 
• Moving on from such serious facts, my favorite book series if the Divergent Trilogy by Veronica Roth, with Divergent being my favorite book overall. Going in the opposite direction, my second favorite book is The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde by Robert Louis Stevenson. Crazy right? But I love reading about the metaphorical struggle within a person being personified.
• I love most types of music, save rap. I hate rap, mainly because most rap songs degrade women and are just crude in general. My favorite type of music is.... hmmmmm.... I'd have to say Alternative Rock. I love bands like Green Day, Nickleback, All American Rejects, etc. At the moment though, my favorite artist is actually a cover solo violinist named Taylor Davis. She does awesome covers and cool music videos for those songs.
• Throughout the school year, I'm involved in Key Club, National Honor Society, Science Olympiad, and the Supercomputing Challenge. I'm also in 4-H, and have been in 4-H for 9 years, about. I love the community service aspect of 4-H, and I hope to continue being active in my community. 
• My favorite stop motion film is The Corpse Bride. It's been my favorite stop motion film since I first watched it. Of live action movies, Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland takes the cake. 
• So. This is my pet peeves point. I absolutely HATE the sound of people chewing food. It just grosses me out to the point of being nauseated just from hearing it. I also hate it when people refer to me as "Twin" and not even bother to learn my name or who I am. I'm always upset because my dad can't tell us apart. He just guesses, or even just says "girls" when he talks to us, and even if its just me he's talking to. That's probably why I hate the twin thing so much. Anywho. I also hate it when people say things about Analyssa. I only recently grew a pair and found my courage and confidence, and with it I began to stand up for my sister. I was always the weaker one who hid behind her, but now I can hold my own and defend her if I see something. I also hate having people tell me what to do in the "I'm smarter/better than you" tone. I am not a slave, I am helping because I want to, so don't order me around. Sorry. Rant time is mixing with pet peeves here. I also hate it when people watch me when I do something. I'm a big people pleaser, so I try to do things the way I think they would do it, which just makes me mess up in front if them. I also hate it when they watch me because I tend to mess up more under observation, and I don't like messing up in front of people. 

I think that's all that I'll put here. I don't really like to end on a low note, so I shall say one more thing. YWiC has by far changed my life, and, regardless of what happens in my life, I will always look back on my experience with fondness and happiness. I have been shaped permanently by those who have taught the camps, and I will forever be grateful for the direction they gave me. 

Needles and Thread

I'm so sad. Today is the second to last day of the YWiC camps =(  It's kinda a depressing thought. I love the YWiC atmosphere, and it's my home away from home...

Ok, enough depresssing thoughts! I will make the best of it! So, silver lining....hmmmmm....Oh! I know! I got to make an awesome bag that plays the theme from The Big Bang Theory; I got to know Elena and Elisa Davidson more (which was pretty awesome. I've know of them since I started 4-H, and I always wanted to talk to them...) Anwho, silver linings are pretty good at combating my sadness. I'm glad I got to participate.

So, today we started with the morning activity, which was this game where we each got a card and had to keep it on our forehead. Then we had to go around and ask people yes or no questions to figure out who we were. It was very funny, because some people would drop big hints and some of the girls still didn't get it. Then we went inside and jumped right into Python. It was kinda boring, but I think that's because I romanticized the notion of programming in Python since I went to the 2012 summer camp.

After Python, we got started on Greenfoot. As much as I hate to admit it, I actually really enjoyed programming in it. I love the fact that you can just copy and paste and make it work. And then it was lunch!

I'm running out of time to blog, so I shall do the prompt. If I were locked in a store, I would want it to be Barnes and Noble, so that I could read and drink smoothies. That would be amazing.

You're a Programmer, Harry

Today is a very important day. Why, you may ask? Because today is our Potterluck!!!! So, in honor of our Potterluck, Ana and I went to camp dressed in our house colors. I went in a white button up shirt with a blue striped tie and a blue cardigan (I'm a Ravenclaw.) I think I looked pretty awesome, but Ana looked better. She wore a white button-up, a green striped tie, and this sequenced vest that looks AMAZING!!! Oh, how I wished I had another vest! But alas, I have yet to go shopping (mainly because I dislike shopping...)

Anywhay! So today we got to camp kinda late, and we got inside the building just as the other campers were going outside for the morning activity. Elena saw us when we got in and told us that she was glad we dressed up, because not many others did. She's a Slytherin, and in honor of her house, she wore green earrings with a white button-up. When we got outside, we were counted off into 2 groups and we played Giants, Elves, and Wizards! It was basically a live action game of rock, paper, scissors, but with the added bonus of tag! Bleagh. It was hot. The game itself was pretty fun, but my cardigan made it less enjoyable. My team won, with 4 players left by the end of many rounds.

Once the activity was over, we went inside and got started on LilyPad. My bag looks good, and I can't wait to program all of it! I kinda already started programming the song, but I need to change it a bit. The painting was easy, and I'm almost done with it. The whole morning was spent on my bag, and then came lunch!

For lunch, the special was orange chicken, some other kind of chicken, some egg rolls (I think), and some white rice. The orange chicken was pretty good, but that may have been because I was starving by the time lunch came around. The YWiC gang put on The Sorcerer's Stone for lunch, but I used that time to program the song my bag is gonna play. When lunch ended, we went into Python. It was kinda dull because it was soo similar to Ruby, but I dealt with it. I finished early, so I had some time to rest my eyes (I'm really tired...)

After Python, we went outside and played this cool game where we sat in a circle and passed signs. It's really complicated. so I won't go into detail. After the game we worked on Greenfoot. I have to admit, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be... But don't tell SP!!! Shhhhhhh......

And now for the blog prompt!! If I could magically use a spell, I would created a spell that would clean up my room, and I would call it "Comparto!" You know, to put things in their appropriate compartments??? Lame, I know. But I'm not very creative. So long for now!

Magnificent Monday!!

Well, today was another day at camp. Oh wait.... It's not the same camp... I guess I should say that it was a new day for this new week of camp. Yeah, that sounds good. Anywhay! For this week of camp, we're working with LilyPad, Greenfoot, and Python!! I'm so excited for LilyPad and Python! I love being creative and being able to make music and paint. My bag form last year was awesome, so I had a hard time picking a theme for this bag. I mean, it's kinda hard to top a Nightmare Before Christmas bag.

SO, after the orientation, we went outside to do the morning activity. This morning, we did the whole group activity where we say our name and something we like. It was cool, but kinda sad when I said that I liked Divergent and only 4 other girls stepped in. Then we got into core concepts and the drive activity. It was funny to do the mad libs, but somewhat morbid at the same time.

Once that was done, we got right into LilyPad. We learned the basics about the pieces and how to sew. Sewing was easy. When we got to pick our designs and start thinking about them. It was hard, but I decided to do a Big Bang Theory bag.

Then it was lunch!! We had wonderful Lorenzo's for lunch. The ravioli was delicious, but I still wish we had gotten the fettuccine Alfredo. Man is that dish tasty! During lunch we had very entertaining conversations about everything and nothing. Once lunch was over, we went right back into LilyPad. We began to code, and it was so fun. Then it was the activity! Today's special included a double helping of "Big Booty." Then we went back into LilyPad, I can't wait to start on it.

Ok, so the blog prompt! You have a source at the CDC and she has just informed you that the government has confirmed that the Zombie Apocalypse has begun. You have 24 hours to prepare before people in your town start turning. How will you use your time to prepare for the apocalypse?

If I only had 24 hours to prepare for a zombie apocalypses, I would  gather as much food as I could and amo, as well as all of my rifles. I would find all of my friends and family and make a plan of action with them, as well as choose a good hiding place. Then it would be a waiting game.

Thursday Blues and Grays

I'm freaking out!!!! We only have one day left of this week! Where did it go? Ok, deeeep breadths...

Anyways, today started out with us doing the back-to-back activity, where Ana and I did it in 2 seconds, quite literally. Then we got in a group of 4 with Belle and Noemi, and we got it done in a quick amount of time as well. When we did the big group, it took a while for us to figure it out. Then we got started on Ruby, which was pretty easy. I'm already on the guessing game part 2, so I'm almost done. Then we had a guest speaker present to us about this opportunity to be involved in a learning service come September. I thought it was cool and am definitely interested. Then Noor presented to us her experience with NCWIT and all that jazz. It was cool hearing what she did and all the things she has done.

Then it was lunch!!! (Don't knock the exclamation points, I'm a teenage girl. I need my food.) And good food it was! We had Santa Fe Grill burritos. Mine was steak and potato. It was delicious. While we are lunch we continued to watch The Avengers. I have to admit, I really like the movie. Don't tell Ana, though, because she's DC all the way.

After lunch, so got open lab, so I worked exclusively on my HTML project. It looks so cool! I just have a few more things to add, but I'm confident that I'll get it done by the time we present.

Now for the prompt!! There was so much space on my hard drive that I was able to work on this really cool program called Alice. While I was working in my workspace, I spilled my water on my keyboard.  After I cleaned it up, I found that the space key was now the control key. In then end, I taped a piece of paper onto the space key that read "control."

Hump Day!!!!!

Today is Hump Day!!! I'm super tired, even though I slept well. Oh well, nothing I can do about it. Except maybe take a nap... Hmmmmm....

Nah, I won't. Then I'll just have more sleep issues. Anyway, on with my description of the day! The morning activity was 2 truths and a lie. I could tell most of the girl's lie, because I'm pretty good at reading body language and detecting voice inflections. My two truths were 1) I broke my arm twice (which I did, technically...) and 2) I was I'm a published poet. My lie was that I was born in Albuquerque. That one was only a matter of wording. I was almost born in Albuquerque, but they rushed my mom to the hospital and gave her medication to stop her contractions because she was only about 6 months along.

After that activity, we went straight into LiveCode. Bleugh. I don't really like it, but it is kinda cool. After the coding. But my level 2 kept on freezing my program, so I have to fix that later. After that we had a break and then went into Ruby. That was cool, and it was easy. I really enjoy programming in it. I finished the project and I started the GPA project. Then it was lunch!!!

I wish my sandwich had looked this good

We had sub sandwiches for lunch. I got a ham and bacon sandwich. It was pretty good paired with my sour cream 'n onion pringles. We started watching the Avengers during lunch. I hate to admit it, but it looked pretty cool. Then we did Linux, where we worked on using the terminal. Towards the end of it Noor pulled Alden and me out of the room to lip sync to "Let It Go." We filmed out section outside, and as much as it pains me to say it, the whole thing was kinda fun.

Once we finished that we went back inside and worked on our webpages. I am so excited to see how mine will turn our. Mine is all about the world of Divergent, and I just love it so much.

On to the blog prompt!! If I could go to any point in time, I would go 50 years into the future to see how our world ends up. I want to see how our society changes and what the pollution status is for the world. I hope it's a little better than it is now...

Superhero Tuesday!!!

Today was agreed to be Superhero Day, where we all dressed as our favorite superheroes. Really, it was only agreed upon by Galen, SP, Analyssa, Belle, and me. Ana went the most out for it, wearing her Bat Girl shirt with matching cape. It looks pretty awesome. The next awesome costume was Galen, who wore a tank top and boots with her Wolverine jacket, completed with Lego claws. SP came in close, with her homemade cape and duct tape "R" on her chest. At first we got confused, because she had a Chrome sticker on her chest, giving her the appearance of Iron Man. Belle just wore her Superman shirt, and I was the lamest of our group. I just wore a purple shirt with a hood in the spirit of Raven, the most awesome Teen Titan.

Look how awesome she is!!!!

Anywho, we started camp today with the spoon activity. It was kinda funny, seeing Linky and Belle. They were in the last 4 for the first round. Linky won the second round. After that we went inside and worked on HTML. We learned the rest of the basics for HTML and then got started on our projects. Mine is a Divergent themed business, selling clothes for all of the factions! It's gonna be awesome ^.^

I just love Divergent...

After some time working, we switched gears and got started on LiveCode. It was pretty much go at your own pace today, so we got as far as we could. I got to level 2. Then it was lunch. Belle, Ana and I are always the first in line thanks to Belle's strategic seat choice. We got out food (the Mix) and sat down. I felt like a good citizen, by the way, because I helped Elena with her stuff when she got up to go to the atrium. She still can't tell us apart, which is kinda funny, because at the very least I've talked to her since last year. But oh well. We don't talk often. Or see each other ofter...

We got back and worked on LiveCode, before going outside to so the fact activity. We then got inside and worked on our webpages. I can't wait to finish it!! (As you can tell, I love the book series.)

Now for the blog prompt!!  
Blog Prompt: If you could change the world by developing a device using computer science, what would it be and how would it change the world we live in? Describe it in one paragraph

So, it's been my dream since I first watched IRobot to make it possible to construct mechanical limbs that felt and looked real for those who didn't have those limbs. I would collaborate with an engineer and try to make it possible for the patient to feel with their "limb" as well as have full control over it. I want to be involved in the programming aspect of it. This would change the world we live in because it would eliminate the way we view those who are missing a limb. 

First Day Fun

Today was the first day of the High School camp, but I have to admit that it was strange not working the camp. I didn't have to do anything, which was both refreshing and frustrating. Belle, Ana, and I were getting antsy towards the end of lunch because we were used to cleaning up the lunch room when we were done eating.

So, a recap of the day! It was interesting to see who got accepted to the camp. There are a few that I want to get to know more, like Alden. Elena was also here, which made me happy. I've known her (kinda) for about 5 years, but we never talked to one another until last year, and it was all because of the YWiC camp.We did the morning activity, which I didn't enjoy because I don't like making animal sounds. Elena was in agreement with me =) Anyway, after we got inside, we went over core concepts and then we worked on the crossword puzzle that went with it.

Then came my favorite part: Code.org!!!! We got to go through the angry birds game, and I finished first, followed by Benita and Analyssa. It was fun, and we got prizes for finishing first. After that we worked on our google drive activity, and I got to work with Linky. Our career that we chose was a Certified Ethical Hacker. It was pretty interesting to see the details about what being an ethical hacker requires. Then it was Lunch!!! We had Lorenzo's, and there was a copious amount of food. There was so much, I got to have thirds and there still was plenty left.

Lunch ended, and we were corralled into the ice box once again.  We got started on HTML, and it was pretty interesting. We got to part3 before we took a break and did the afternoon activity. That was the name game, and we were idiots because Ana, Belle, and I chose to stand by SP and Galen. That was a mistake because they went the other way, making Ana the last person to go. After that activity, we went back inside and did LiveCode. I have to admit that it's pretty fun (when I'm not trying to help anyone.) Sadly, we didn't have time to officially do the blog, but here it is anyway