Friendship and other things that confuse me

I've always struggled with being honest. That isn't to say every sentence out of my mouth is a lie; rather, I find it hard to be honest about myself. Usually I just go with the flow, staying silent and in the background. I don't open up, despite my easy-going appearance. I mean, it's kinda hard for me to do so. For most of my life I was always with my sister when I was with friends. Her personality outshines my own, dominating the conversation. And for the longest time, I was fine with that. I don't like talking, especially about me. For goodness sake, the hardest essay I ever had to write was my personal statement! I don't know how to talk about myself because for the most part I've never had to and I never wanted to. Now though, I'm beginning to think differently.

I find myself constantly doubting my friendships, believing that the only reason they are even friends with me is because of Analyssa. On really bad days I compare myself to her. I think about how she is a much better friend than I ever could be, how all of our friends always go to her for serious discussions or just fun conversations, never me. I think about how all of my friends aren't really my friends, just her friends that tolerate me. I think about all of her friends that aren't my friends, and how I don't have any friends that are just mine. I want to break free, to find my own friends, to be who I really am. But I'm terrified that, in doing so, I will lose the friends that I currently have.

I don't know. I'm insecure. I know I shouldn't be. I know that I have people who love me. I know that I have people who accept me. But I've never shown them who I really am. I'm not this kind, sweet, smart person that they think I am. I'm snarky. I say things before thinking about them, often insulting whoever I'm talking about. I have a morbid sense of humor, I hate a lot of people, and I say things at inappropriate times. I can be a bitch one moment and a sweetheart the next. I'm complicated and messy and opinionated and shallow. I'm smart and curious and clueless and boring. I'm so many things that people don't see because I never gave them the chance to see. But maybe that can change. Maybe I can be a little more open with people. Or maybe I'll be lonely for a while until someone sees me. Who knows.