On the topic of friends

Having friends is weird. You're expected to listen to your friend's problems and expect them to listen to yours when the time comes. Hang outs are required, gossip is to be shared, and discussions are to be held (at least, they are in my group of friends.) But it all feels so foreign to me. I don't mind listening to my friends' problems; in fact, I love listening to my friends and giving them advice. I'm just a listener though. If my friend doesn't have anything to say then chances are an awkward silence is sure to follow. I just don't feel the need to fill the void. Some of my friends share my sentiments; others do not. There are a few who need the silence to be filled, who need background noise all the time. I'm not used to that.

I'm not the kind of person who shares my feelings. I may seem open, but often I put on an act. I like keeping my thoughts and feelings inside, because why bother expressing them? Nobody is going to listen, not really. They hear the words but very few process them. The only person I can honestly talk to is myself. I can talk to my twin sister, but I don't show her everything. I have yet to be completely honest about myself with any of my friends. I just don't see the point. They don't need to deal with my neurotic crap or my emotional baggage, so why should I show them? That has always been my line of thinking.

Now I face a dilemma of sorts. I want a closer relationship with one of my friends, one who I consider my best friend. And no, I don't want to pursue a romantic relationship with her. I just want to see if I mean as much to her as she means to me. But I don't know how to get that conversation started. I've never felt enough for her. I know that I can trust her with my secrets, but secrets are different than feelings. It's like pulling teeth trying to get me to really open up, and it's hard to determine if she's ever really tried or if I was just so desperate for someone to see me that I gave myself over to her. I've never clicked with someone as well as I did with her. We think on the same wavelength and are both romantic souls. We have enough differences that we always have something to discuss. Like I said, I consider her my best friend.

This post went all over the place, but the point that I set out to make was that I don't feel comfortable sharing myself with anyone, but I want to try for my best friend. I just have no idea how to do that. It's hard to overcome the notion that your feelings and opinions don't matter. And even if I could somehow be comfortable with people knowing things about me, how would I even start? I'm so confused right now and unsure of how to proceed. All I know is that, for the first time, I want to try to be open. I want to be honest. Let's see how this works out, shall we?