Writing Prompt

It shouldn't be like this. There has to be another way...

"What are you waiting for?"

No. I don't want this. I never wanted this...

"Answer me!"

I can't. I can't I can't I can't I-

"God dammit Charlie just do it! Prove me right! We both know how much you want to."

You're wrong...

"You can't run away from this forever. This lives inside you; it will always live inside you."

But -

"Do it."

...

Bang!
 _________________________________________________________________

"...white female. middle to late 20s, single shot to the head. Revolver still in hand. No obvious signs of struggle. Liver temp indicates she died approximately 5 hours ago. Apparent suicide is my official ruling." 

On the topic of friends

Having friends is weird. You're expected to listen to your friend's problems and expect them to listen to yours when the time comes. Hang outs are required, gossip is to be shared, and discussions are to be held (at least, they are in my group of friends.) But it all feels so foreign to me. I don't mind listening to my friends' problems; in fact, I love listening to my friends and giving them advice. I'm just a listener though. If my friend doesn't have anything to say then chances are an awkward silence is sure to follow. I just don't feel the need to fill the void. Some of my friends share my sentiments; others do not. There are a few who need the silence to be filled, who need background noise all the time. I'm not used to that.

I'm not the kind of person who shares my feelings. I may seem open, but often I put on an act. I like keeping my thoughts and feelings inside, because why bother expressing them? Nobody is going to listen, not really. They hear the words but very few process them. The only person I can honestly talk to is myself. I can talk to my twin sister, but I don't show her everything. I have yet to be completely honest about myself with any of my friends. I just don't see the point. They don't need to deal with my neurotic crap or my emotional baggage, so why should I show them? That has always been my line of thinking.

Now I face a dilemma of sorts. I want a closer relationship with one of my friends, one who I consider my best friend. And no, I don't want to pursue a romantic relationship with her. I just want to see if I mean as much to her as she means to me. But I don't know how to get that conversation started. I've never felt enough for her. I know that I can trust her with my secrets, but secrets are different than feelings. It's like pulling teeth trying to get me to really open up, and it's hard to determine if she's ever really tried or if I was just so desperate for someone to see me that I gave myself over to her. I've never clicked with someone as well as I did with her. We think on the same wavelength and are both romantic souls. We have enough differences that we always have something to discuss. Like I said, I consider her my best friend.

This post went all over the place, but the point that I set out to make was that I don't feel comfortable sharing myself with anyone, but I want to try for my best friend. I just have no idea how to do that. It's hard to overcome the notion that your feelings and opinions don't matter. And even if I could somehow be comfortable with people knowing things about me, how would I even start? I'm so confused right now and unsure of how to proceed. All I know is that, for the first time, I want to try to be open. I want to be honest. Let's see how this works out, shall we?

Tired

I feel stuck. It's summer and I have been busy for most of it, but I feel like I can't move. I have no idea where I'm going, but it doesn't matter because I can't get there anyway. I don't know why I feel like this. I mean, really, change is happening all around me. I just graduated, I'll start college this fall, and I'm working this summer. And yet, I can't help feeling like I'm just going through the motions, seeing what's happening in my life but not really experiencing it. 

I've felt like this since senior year started. Days blur together because everyday is the same. Time is passing me by but I can't even begin to make myself care. I'm terrified of my future, that I'm gonna mess it up and fail and screw myself over. I always screw everything up, why should this be any different? 

I'm sorry for this angsty post, I'm usually more collected than this, but I start college in less than a month. I suppose I'm just freaking out. Anywho, have a good weekend!

Drawing to a close

Man, this is the most I've written for this blog in like a year! Sorry about that =/ 

This week is drawing to a close, which means it's almost Friday! I'm so happy. There's a movie event tonight, so today is gonna be a long day. But it will all be worth it when the weekend comes!

There's no real reason for this post. I suppose I am focusing on quantity rather than quality. This is what happens when you feel pressured to actually use your blog!!! But I digress.

So yeah. Just wanted to say "hey."

National Pecan Pie Day

I don't even like pie, but I will celebrate National Pecan Pie Day regardless.

Anyway...

Summer is almost half way over, which means that I am that much closer to starting college. And I am absolutely terrified. I mean, this next semester will determine my future. It it's too much and I can't maintain my grades, I lose my scholarship and my GPA will be forever ruined. And I know that it's a bit extreme, but I can't help that my mind thinks of worst case scenarios. I know that people believe in me and in my abilities, but the fact doesn't comfort me. It just means that I have more people that I might disappoint.  But hey, it's still summer. I have another month and a half before I start the rest of my life. I suppose it won't be too bad if I postpone my nervous breakdown.

The middle school camps have started, so that's cool. The girls are really excited, and the general air of the room is positive. There's some work drama, but what job doesn't come with drama? I mostly ignore it, but it can be difficult. Other than that, nothing much is going on here. I want to code a Steven Universe bag, but I don't know if I'll have the time.

In other news, I got very good scores on my AP tests, so I'm basically starting college as a sophomore, which is pretty fantastic. It means that I can focus more on the classes that I really need for my potential major(s.) I'm still not sure if I want to major or minor in psychology. I need to figure out how dedicated I can be to the subject. Regardless, I will be majoring in computer science.

I keep on getting asked what I want to do with my CS degree. I feel bad that I don't have a specific answer, even though I have no reason to. I mean, there's soooooo much that I can do with CS. I don't want to limit myself or my interests. But at the same time, people don't have a positive view of those who appear to have no direction, and I've experience it first hand. Maybe I'm just projection my own feelings of inadequacy onto others. Oh well. Anyway, that's it for now.

I Got That Summertime Madness

Hehehe. I think my title is clever. ANYWAY....

It's been such a busy summer this year. I've been prepping for college, working at YWiC camps, and I just got back from volunteering for the Hispanic Scholarship Fund Youth Leadership Institute at UC Irvine. Whew, that was a mouthful! But it's an important event, focusing on giving Hispanic juniors in high school the knowledge and skills necessary to apply to college. My role wasn't as involved with the students as I would have liked, but it was still an important role.

I was a member of the Alumni Team, or A-Team. The A-Team was responsible for setting up and tearing down the rooms that the students were in. For instance, every morning we would have to set up an auditorium with banners and whatever would be needed that day, be it packets or business cards. It was a lot of work and even more walking. My days started promptly at 5:45 A.M. and ended at around 12:00 A.M. It was supposed to end at 11:30, but the A-Team was responsible for doing rounds in the dorms to make sure that the students were in bed and had their lights off.

A-Team!!!! (Minus one guy who was in the restroom...)

YLI was a lot of work, but for me it was very rewarding. I grew very close to the rest of the A-Team; I think I made some life-long friends. They became my familia for 5 days. I also gained experience in working with new people in a new environment. So all in all, it was fantastic and wonderful and a whole bunch of other positive adjectives, even if I missed most of the high school YWiC camps. Oh well. At least I'll be there for the entirety of the middle school camps.

I feel lost. I know, total subject change here. But it's true. I've just spent one of the best weeks of my life in California, and coming back has been hard. I never wanted my time there to end, but now it seems like it never happened. At the same time, being home feels foreign. They act like I've been here all along, but I have no clue what's going on. I don't know the campers as well as they do, and I don't feel like I belong in the room with the YWiC staff. I have no place - home is awkward and I don't have the option of going back to California any time soon. So I guess I can drift for a bit, just until things settle down. Who knows how long that will take though.

Ok, enough depressing thoughts. June is almost over, it went by so fast! I can't believe it. Has it really been a month since I graduated? It was funny - I came home thinking that I had to return to school. Then I realized that 1) school didn't start for another two months and 2) I wouldn't be going back to high school when it did start up. It thrilled me and terrified me in equal measures. But hey, this is what growing up is. You have to leave the familiar and tread into the unknown in order to learn and grow. I wish it wasn't as scary as it is, but I know that fear is a part of life. It's just a matter of how you react to that fear that determines what kind of person you will become.

So this post got a little derailed...oh well. I just needed to word vomit here, and I know hardly anyone actually reads this. For those who will read this, have a good weekend!

An Update Long Overdue

Dang, I kinda forgot that I even had this blog. No matter, I haven't completely forgotten! Now, let's see, what's happened since the summer....

Oh, well, senior year has been absolutely chaotic right from the get-go. But it was sneaky; I didn't realize how chaotic it really was until the end of the first nine weeks. I mean, I had to apply to schools, apply for scholarships, and then I had to fill out the application for this thing called Questbridge. THAT was super intense. And then it was a waiting game. In the meantime I didn't do much. My life revolved around school and food. But, as the name of this blog indicates, I didn't go without programming. Yeah, I'm in the AP Computer Science class at my school. But, I also got to participate in this cool after school programming thing hosted by YWiC. It was once a week and I got to see all my wonderful friends from YWiC and the YWiC staff. So that was the metaphorical "light" in my "dark" life of college applications.

So that takes us to winter break ish. Maybe. I'm not really sure, I tend to live in the moment, so I don't actually know when things took place... All I know is that I didn't get to hang out with my friends that much last semester and school sucked. But during winter break I got to recharge. We went to Phoenix to spend Christmas with my brother Rene and his daughter Amiyah. It was fun. My family, especially my mom, had been under a lot of stress before because her dad got sick, so being in Phoenix was good for her. We got to have fun and laugh and just enjoy being with each other. On the way home though, there was a ton of snow on the highway. We were going pretty slow, but Rene(who was driving ahead of us with my mom and Amiyah) spun out into the median. Luckily they weren't hurt, but we decided to spend the night in Deming to avoid dying. We got home, we relaxed, and then all of a sudden it was New Year's Day.


Update: Sorry, this post was supposed to be published after winter break. I guess I never hit publish. Sorry